had rehearsal today, combined wif ebchoir and sfxyc. hmm wad to say... the choir has definitely improved alot since my batch left. they were shockingly good today. (i'll bet some people have something to say about that but haha i'll let it go...)

hmm a long time since i heard mr leong talk again. hmm as usual i wasnt paying attention, but what i did catch:
sometimes some people are just meant to die.
then he quoted quite a few examples but i wasnt listening again. i was on that thought about how people can be meant to die. not as in die naturally but like fatal accidents. or premature ending of life due to some fatal diseases. which leaves me thinking:
am i one of those who are meant to die?

my mind realli started wondering. what have i done over these 17 (going to be 18) years? have i done anything worth mentioning? have i done anything that has greatly impacted someone? have i done anything worthwhile? have i done anything which has enriched my life? and others?

sometimes i do wonder if i am a backup. like a person whom someone turns to only when the front player doesnt work out. do i always live in another's shadow, not able to do anything to raise the ranks and plunge into the first team?

gosh i am just a backup.

and i hate it. why? why do people ignore me for months on end when they find something else interesting, and only come back and act like i am such a precious stone when the bulb in their life has dimmed? can't i do more? can't anyone notice me first and not last?

I'm disappointed in myself.

come to think of it, now with a concert coming, am i strong enough to still sing on? am i able to do the impossible? i don't sound well. its a fact i openly declare. people think i do, but i know better. friends (or rather compatriots) who are blunt openly tell me that i don't. and i don't blame them for it. i know i don't sound well at all. my technique is just bad. and i dun learn. i am too proud to learn. i am too lazy to practise. look all the negative things...

what is the use of me in the concert? just to spoil the perfect blending everyone else has? now that i am singing my part alone its worse isnt it? and my pitching is all over the place. yucks. dont try to comfort me u and i both know how bad i sound.

grrr.

ya i dun even make a decent backup. what are the hopes of being even thought of last? i may not even come into some people's mind at all. too insignificant and bad.
maybe i should stick to doing what im good at.

which is...


nothing.

-ch