sometimes i do wonder if its worth it losing sleep over things that may not need my worrying.
sometimes i do wonder if its the same if i disappear from everything, from this world.
sometimes i do wonder if i am that important.
sometimes i do wonder if im needed at all.
sometimes i do wonder if im that capable.
sometimes i do wonder if im realli that great.
sometimes i do wonder how different things will be if i jus slack and don't care.
sometimes i do wonder if things eventually turn out right because of me, or did it screw up because of me in the first place?

well look. over the past few days i've been losing sleep (or rather not getting any at all) doing project work things and piano ensemble things. project work. i contribute in my own ways, my other members contribute in their own ways. just happens that my own way means doing the report on my own during physics lec, staying up late to type minutes and everything? hey im upset that i cant do less and get the same results. why is it that i have to stay up late every week on the day of pw so that we can keep to schedules and datelines? this is so unfair.
and piano ensem. look. who is it that keeps chasing after everyone? who does anything & everything?and who is the one whos always trying hard to keep everything in place, everything properly scheduled? and what happens when i let go a bit? its not that i do not want to let others do the work. but i do wonder. what happens if people don keep to datelines? everyone else seems so slack...
and look. today my smile stayed on the whole day, even though im greatly disappointed in the turnout during the concert. and people who don't even come to perform. look, im damn pissed. what is it that didnt work out? and what did i work so hard for? just for other people to blame me for not testing out the laptop on monday? is it my fault that i decide to let others decide that for once? do i have to personally ensure everything? no im not arrowing anyone here, but im jus not pleased with the way things are going. jus look at how slack we all are, how unconcerned we all are. maybe it is not meant to be. look. i just havent been myself since june. maybe im finally crumbling. and i get the feeling that everyone is against me. that no one likes me, and that everyone else is more popular. maybe i don't even need to be around at all. i'll disappear and no one will notice. im sure that's the case.
ar even abrsm is against me. send me to wad yucky place for exam. and give yms only for dipAB exams. i hate that. hate that hate that hate that hate that hate that hate that! why is it me? me? me ? all me? wad's wrong? did i choose to be here in the first place? who's fault is it?
yar everyone's going to tell me to change my attitude, look at things more positively. hey not that i didnt try that. but its not going to work. i've been positive too long that im oblivious to too many things. and want me to change? not so easy. u rarely see me frown in front of people i know. damn it. the only way i can lash out is here. WHAT DOES THE WORLD HAVE AGAINST ME? i don't even want to be around anymore. maybe i should jus go away. maybe i shld just die.

-Chee