hhi...

gosh im crumbling under stress... im not afraid to say it, but i cried myself to sleep this afternoon... there were so many things that i had to do yet i could not do... i feel as though i cannot live up to the expectations of others...
i find that i like to put up a false front. in front of everyone else, i never show anything less than a smiling face (well most of the time). when i'm tired i'm jumpy. like today. i didn't sleep at all last night. was doing project work stuff. then on the way to school i sort of napped a while when standing in the train. then went to school everytning was like clockwork that's all. everything snapped into place when i was there and there was nothing much i had to do. but i feel pressurized to show more. im underperforming. i realised that when i was checking my marks in class. a peek at others were like AABC, ABBC etc... (sorry to those who were scoring lesser than me, but i naturally want to do much better.) suddenly my ABCD seems so fake, so low. i know i could have done much better, despite what everyone else says. gosh im such a.... argh cant find a word for it.
only achievement today... i passed my napfa at last. yay. pushed myself for 2.4 and made it in 13:03... i know its not good but at least i passed. im glad. at least i think i am.
my exam is screwed. my schumann is in chaos. my beethoven is in a pile of notes. my programme notes are somewhere there. but not there yet. argh. gosh how can i manage... i dun have the strength to carry on...
waaaaaaaa...

crying... traumatised... emotionally unstable...
-Chee