-wave-

5 days to lr... and in case i don't post tmr, 4 days. and the day after, 3 days. and tuesday, 2 days. and wednesday, 1 day.
haha.

i have a feeling that things this week won't be as bad as the last week. i don't mean to say things are good. but what i want to say is that i do not need to worry so much. not that i have no worries. aiya.... i'll have to explain these for a while.

firstly. why i dont say that things are good, or that i have no worries. well, as much as a positive person i am/try to be, i cant foresee anything extremely good happening to me this coming week. Look at how many things are pressurizing me:

1. My LRSM exam.
2. PW beckoning. behind a few deadlines already.
3. Piano ensemble concerts. a bit disheartened about them already.
4. My LRSM exam.
5. Western History Essay. Dunno how i can complete it. a bit lost on what to do, but not intending to do anything until wed/thurs.
6. Chinese opera thing.
7. All those Maths tutorials... and physics as well which i dun understand
8. My LRSM exam.
9. SPA
10. How im going to cope wif missing school on thursday.
11. Other personal problems.
12. My LRSM exam.

See. haha. and i can still laugh about it. wierd me.

But why not as bad as the last?
Well look. im more clear about where i stand today than the same time last week. at least i have got more definite answers this week. here's a preview.

1. first. i know what i have to do this week. be mentally prepared for my LRSM exam. as of now, i need to settle my nerves. almost broke down quite bad today infront of everyone.
2. The piano ensemble concert. At least i know this week will be better than the last. i know that LT 3 will be available. or at least i hope so. then i know guitar has confirmed things. then i know that monday, its not all just students running everything so things will be a bit better. well. hopefully.

that's a bit of it. not all. but at least i am a bit more organized today. i don't feel that pressured into anything.

ah at the same time, why i need not worry so much. there's not so much to worry. i m looking at things wif a more open mind now. i am prioritising, and i begin to not regret my actions. fun things i give up in place of less fun things i have made a point not to think back. concerts i don't go to, i tell myself, its for the better. i need the rest. (i also imagine im avoiding some pple there la. makes me feel better.) what else...

I'm feeling a bit more accomplished this week. Nothing good has happened to me, so i dunno why. maybe things happen subconsiously. they do happen that way u know... haha. let's see... i can see that other pple may be a bit more appreciative of what i do.
oh ya. sorry to those who had to bear wif my stoned face and temper on wednesday and thursday. i was quite affected by some personal matters as well as the concert matters. but now i know its no use doing that.

another change im seeing in myself. two months ago, or rather 1 month ago as well, i was rather troubled by some personal problems. rather intense ones. this may be because i look at things from a narrow point of view.

now, i can take things more easily. things happen for a reason, i know that now. and i realised that without any sorrow, one cant feel joyous. yupz. though the joyous part may not come so easily, and what i realli hope to have to fulfil my life now doesnt come, i can slowly wait. i have got the time.

ah talking about time. brings me to another point. some close friends may know about my worrying health condition. hm. i know that i cant predict what will happen to me. as a result, i have never planned further than a few weeks ahead of me (except in the case of exams where i need to register early.) well. now i don't say that i plan more ahead. i do start looking a bit further. makes me abit less tense as well. yes, i still worry if i can see the sunrise tomorrow, but now i do wish to see the sunrise 2 years from now, and how different that is. i still live in the present (no reason to change that) but apart from that i also prepare for a life in the future.

one fine day, i hope to walk to all my friends and say, 3 years down the road, lets meet up again. i don't do that now because i cant promise to be there 3 years from now. one day. i promise to get well.

now at the back of my mind, there are still thoughts that trouble me.well... i cant help it. i think a lot about what others think of me, and try to read their minds. but no longer do i try to affirm my suspicions. i found out i never get it right. haha. sorrie to those i scared by trying to ask if im right in how u think. i'll never do that again. i find that others read my mind better than i read theirs.

well. wave again. i shall stop here tonight.

ah i miss the good old days.

wave
-Chee