i hate being sick..

been 4 days since my fever came and its still hovering around 38deg... argh im missing all my cip...

and the FOOD!!! THE FOOD!!!

at least ive got back my LR results haha something that cheered me up I PASSED!!!

okok have to rest now...

-CH

Bless to me oh God the earth beneath my foot
Bless to me oh God the path where on i go

sent off EBchoir to prague today... was there singing Celtic Blessing, Ave Maria, The Longest Time, Only you... whoa all the nice nice songs... sfx was there too singing Irish Blessing...

vocale... whoa... when we sang at BK we sang so quietly. then at skytrain platform we sang and got applause (yay!) then outside Swenson's we got filmed by tourists... and applause applause haha

haiyoh CIP...
i miss AWWA kids... they suddenly all seem like angels after being at Hendersons... whoa... im going to lose my voice today tmr u'll all see a super super quiet chee hang... haha im going to try ot speak less...

have to rest now.. and think of how to handle the devils tmr...

aiyohrz...

oh wells still feel like singing actually...

ave maria gratias plena...

-Chee

my horoscope today...

The things that once gave you pleasure suddenly don't seem so enjoyable any more. Maybe that's because your needs have changed as you've gained more life experience. If this is the case, don't be afraid to strike out in a new direction. A limiting daily routine is jeopardising your health. Perhaps it's time to find a line of work that allows you more freedom. Don't discount this suggestion until you've really considered it.

i remember what gw said about horrer-scopes being horribly generic. have i quoted correctly? just look at the first line: the things that once gave you pleasure suddenly don't seem so enjoyable anymore. well anything can fit isnt it? but true.. i dun realli like studying anymore. once burying in books was on of the few things i enjoy. now? i dun even want to unpack my books lorz... no going to school IS fun, but not the studying part. why fun? cus i wun be bored and lonely and cooped up at home like i am now..

maybe that's because your needs have changed as you've gained more experience. Yes, experience in interpersonal skills... how to talk to others... i've certainly learnt alot, and also in learning not to take things for granted, nor to be greedy, and to look and listen more...

perhaps it's time to find a line of work that allow you more freedom. yar.. maybe i should quit school huh? hhaha... oh wells i guess that will have to wait.

christmas is coming... i just realised that after 17 years, i never did think about what the meaning of christmas is. and now that i think about it, i dunno what christmas is all about. being a non-christian previously in a catholic school, i remember how other people would talk so much about christmas and i feel left out. to me christmas is just another holiday. to others, i dunno.. i have to find that out. i muz change my mindset i guesss...

oh wells...
oh i've moved...
and i found out how heavy a bed is. the hard way. by dropping it on my foot. OUCH haha

wow guess what... i took so long to type out all this.. i just finished listening to Rach 3 from start to finish... hmm...

yakking away...
-Chee

how heavy is a bed? just drop one onto your leg (risk getting your leg hacked off) and find out.
ouch its super pain...
means its super heavy...
have to be wad... or else how u sleep on it...
oh wells the joys of moving...

Chee

yay got my tagboard back.

I'm in deep shit.
trouble.
oh no.
i brought it upon myself.
cant be everyone else's fault, so it must be mine.
again.

upsetting day today.
first my troubles...
then the kids...
haiz...
:(
i want to cry...

suddenly im not so pleased anymore...

haiz...

crying...
-Chee

sometimes i just want to ignore reality. its cruel.
sometimes i just want to go to a dreamland.
sometimes i wonder what is real and what's not.
sometimes i wonder why some people just keep bugging me.
should i just pack up and leave?
its not like i have no choice.
i can always just pack up and go elsewhere, out of home, out of school, out of country.
why not?
its not like i cant survive out of this country.
hheyz i do have a home somewhere out there. just not telling any of you yet.
hheyz i can always go there and do not come back.
why should i stay?
for one, i dun realli like school... never have. it's actually too stressful to me, and i never knew how to cope wif it. for those who think i have good results and such, bah. so what? results are not anything to be proud of. u have as much chance as me to score 4 As, or 6A1s, or 4 A*s... and results show nothing. i come back to this argument and conclusion i came to 5 years ago: even with good results, or even wif bad results, u are still on earth. u are not going anywhere. so what if u dun move up the hierachy? so what if they've got better job opportunities than u? that's so superficial. its what inside u that matters.
and i find that everyone in school is superficial.

i have never met anyone who actually isnt that superficial and looks beyond results.

life is shallow. nowadays. actually i'd rather a war time .. um.. time... at least it would be better if everyone just bothers about ur own life and survival. results wun let you survive. u have to work. dammit. work. !

irritating...
some people just are.
and some people are very very irritating. and demanding. and unreasonable.
go ahead. laugh. and hurt others' feelings.
go ahead. cry. i can tell u no one will ever bother.
go ahead. shout. and get scolded.

who cares. seriously.
who cares when i am alone at night, sobbing in despair, shouting to myself, scolding myself for what i've done wrong.
who cares when i laugh at all my mistakes.
who cares.
no one.

i can type here, and go on and on. blog. write out all my feelings.
but.
that's where it probably ends.
who will even read this?
who will even read this and ask me, and tell me that they care?
who cares?
no one.

no one.
no one.
no one.
no one.
no one.
no one.

alone.
alone.
alone.
alone.
alone.
alone.
alone.
alone.
alone.
alone.
alone.
alone.
alone.

that's what we all are. alone.
no one is around at all.

















a void.












isolation












dammit.












gone is the warmth












cometh the coldness.












and bitterness.












alone












no one












isolation

I'm shouting too much.
I'm complaining too much.
what for?
who's to listen to my woes?

i spent some time alone today...
thinking, wishing, wondering, wandering...
i know what's my problem. i've cooped up for too long...
i need to talk things out...
and so i did. i talked to myself. split personality? u can put it that way. at least i talked, i understood. dunno, sounds a bit crazy even to myself. *nervous chuckle* haha be glad any of u werent around when i was talking to myself...

then i decided to stay happy. again. as i always tried to do. but its no longer so easy. i guess i was wrong trying to be strong. stronger than i could be. im not. and how funny. its not the first time i realised that. this must be the thousand or million times already. yet im unwilling to learn. why? how? ok im realising now, i realli need help... especially since last year end, i've not realli been myself, as in truly the chee hang that many knew.

oh wells...

it's going to be a long holiday ahead of me... amidst singing, teaching, accompanying and performing... oh yes homework as well but that's not a prority. oh oh oh there's still kids. at least im always happy when im with kids. no matter how tiring and energy sapping taking care of kids is, i still need them to cheer me up. haha. temporarily though. after i sleep and wake up, well that;s another story i guess...

sometimes i wonder how dreams come about, and what they mean... today i dreamt about running after a bus. im chasing it. i can see that its a sbs bus, and the road looks vaguely familiar... holland road? i guess thats the road i travel most this year... though i cant realli tell... it could be hougang for all i know. cus ive been there plenty of times...

anyways... (funny this is one dream i could remember so much...) i was chasing the bus. cant see what bus number but must be something i take a lot of times... then it stops. unexpectedly. i quickly catch up wif it. reach the door and looked in. the inside is white. totally. see only one person on the bus, but i cant remember who. or whether i know that person or not. but he or she must be the reason i was chasing the bus... so i push open the door, and i step in. just as i open my mouth, the person transforms (is this a correct word to use?) into a hideous monster. gosh i cant even bear to describe it. and there's this evil laughter which is like super chilling... and everything turns green (yucks...) RJ green... brrrr...

then i wake up. sweating...

oh wells... must be christmas.. haha.. tho i dun think so...

afraid of school? or afraid of someone in school? or trying to get to someone in school? someone who's going away from school?

i simply dunno...
and im lost...

oh wells...

i must rest.

-Chee

DAMMIT. how was i able to keep messing up my life. again and again. why.
im damn pissed la. and upset. and totally messed up inside me.
i just want to cry. or shout. or smash things on the ground.
how much control im exercising just to keep calm and cool infront of others.
how much control i need just to keep my hands of the caps key and the shift.

and how irritating to just take the nel today and see all the stupid advertisments and quotes of the day. all those quotes that ive seen these days:
the first duty of love is to listen
love benefits all -- both the giver and the receiver
three things of life must not be lost -- peace hope and honesty
there can be no rainbow without a cloud and a storm

what are those supposed to occupy you when u stare blankly at the woodleigh station and buangkok station that is not open?stupid waste of money. and time. and guess what. i think im seeing things.. i actually saw a person in the buangkok station. damn.

why did i have to keep doing things that people won't appreciate, and step on others' tails, and do the wrong things, and move the wrong way...

and keep making wrong assumptions.

and giving the wrong impression.

STUPID.
I'M DAMN PISSED LA.

AND WHY MUST CHRISTMAS BE IN RED AND GREEN!!!! @$%!@#$%@^Y@
IT'S SUPER BRIGHT!!!
WANT SPOIL MY EYES IS IT!!!

WHY THE FUSS OVER CHRISTMAS!!!

i screwed up the layout on my blog. scroll down and u'll see. the stoopid picture is super big. and im hopeless wif html coding.

and i messed up today. im not in a good mood fullstop. just want to blame everything except myself: the weather, the timing, the bus driver, the taxi driver, the stoopid syf song.

ya the stooopid syf set piece. sunset. whoa i hate the attitudes of the __ basses. oh not the CHS ones.. CHS pple are so damn nice. but the __ basses have a damn lousy attitude la. if u dun want to learn then might as well get lost la. why the hell do i have to sit there and see u complauin? be glad i stepped in when u guys asked for help lorz. if not i think at the end of the day u will still be at the FIRST PAGE!!! which has only 8 notes. EIGHT!. damn.

i'm pissed.

harmony test tmr.

BYE.

Hheyz hhi _____. do you know who I am?
erm... no. Am i supposed to?

imagine.
grr.

I'm Chee Hang la...
erm... who the hell is Chee Hang?

imagine.
grr.

I'm getting a bit too hopeful... not fun. im so pissed la... feel like a total idiot standing there. ok fine i'll let it pass. my brain is too small to bother to rmb such things...

Today i faulted again. I thought of the future. I thought and talked about it. why why why... i promised myself never to think far again. cus there's no point. i dun see myself in the future. my place is the present. living day by day. why did i break my own promise? :(
actually to be now here in this present tense i'm already very lucky. very very lucky. two years ago today i wouldnt have thought i'd be here typing this, while listening to Ave Maria, which im supposed to learn how to sing. Yes 2 years ago today i wouldnt have thought i'd still be singing, or rather still be able to sing. also i wound't have thought i'd be still around to be able to look forward to this christmas.

but then.
today i thought of where i'd be 3 years down. i was almost so sure i would still be around studying, then it hit me. would i realli be there? was the future something which i had a part in? im making it a point now that i wun think more than 1 year forward? its a good enough allowance. or else i'll be punishing myself time and time again...
so for now. the A's is the furthest im looking at.
No more mistakes.
I don't want to speculate my future when i know damn well that i may not make it there.

i dun think anyone will miss me in the future too... quote: "Am i supposed to know you?"

bish.

ok.

mus still wait for the results.
must practise singing
tmr will be looking at the syf set piece.

-Chee

When a Knight won his spurs
When a knight won his spurs in the stories of old
he was gentle and brave he was gallant and bold
with a shield on his arm and a lance in his hand
for God and for valour he rode through the land

No charger have I, and no sword by my side
yet still to adventure and battle I ride
though back into storyland giants have fled
and the knights are no more and
the dragons are dead

Let faith be my shield and let joy be my steed
gainst the dragons of anger the ogres of greed
and let me set free with the sword of my youth
from the castle of darkness the power of truth
---Jan Struther

read the last stanza again... that was what hit me. from what started off like a fairytale to me, then i saw how this song attaches itself to life.

Let faith be my shield and let joy be my stead
gainst the dragons of anger the ogres of greed
and let me set free with the sword of my youth
from the castle of darkness the power of the truth

doesnt that say a lot? i dunno about all of you out there, but i find this very meaningful. when i listened to it, apart from the beautiful singing, it was a deeper meaning attached to it. not like this song was used for preaching, but there's a purpose to it. for youths. to have faith. to be joyful. to not succumb to anger and greed. to go from the darkness and into the truth. the light.

***

Its tiring having to wait. And to be anxious. what else? my results... haha... seriously though, i'm getting quite fed up about calling abrsm office everyday. haha. how funny. i alreaedy know the answer i will get and yet i call them. here is an example of the conversation that has been repeated 6 times:

You have reached the ABRSM representative office. For assistance, press 105. *1*0*5*
Hello Good afternoon.
Hello. I would like to find out if the Diploma results have arrived?
May i know which month u took your exam in?
August
Sorry, they are not here yet.
Oh. May i know when they might arrive?
Oh we do not know actually. In fact, we've only just received the July results. But don't worry, once they arrive we will call all the candidates and inform you.
Oh ok. thank you.

how funny. just received the July results? i would believe it for the first time but not after one week haha. oh wells. i'll try again tmr at noon. seems like they change an operator everyday so well its not so bad. and if its here already i'll rush down first thing.

hmm...
It's a challenge now trying to pitch. and gauge the wierd intervals. like F to Ab. ah i used to do those flawlessly. haha. Now, looking at a C major score and trying to sing in D major, wow its super hard.
And my voice production technique. ah i sound so airy... so bad. not a singer in other words. hmm... need practise. but im lazy... *See Lazy chee Hang*

oh wells...
Shall not ramble on and on and on anymore.

thumping... hammering... pounding
-Chee

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do no sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamind glint on snow
I am the sunlught on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight
I am the soft starlight at night
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
-anon

You are everything I know
Which ever way I go
For ever stay with me

Venite angeli
Cantate domino
Laudate

You see me through when ever I'm afraid
However far away
For ever comfort me

You're on my side whichever way i choose
In everything I do
For ever stay with me
-Robert Prizeman

-Chee

Didnt want to double post, so here's my second post of today...
18 Dec 2004
Behold the Lamb II
Church of St Francis Xavier
sfx Youth Choir, Edward Becheras Choir, Edward Becheras Vocale

That's the concert. by the way, Father Rev Edward Becheras is the founder of Catholic High, not some person in the choir.

went down to espl today. havent been there in a long time. brings back memories dating a long way back... am i being silly? its just going to the library and borrowing some stuff and i am feeling so nostalgic... i rmb all the way back to the first time i went up to the rooftop garden, and helped a group of Japanese tourists take a picture. the wind was so strong. i was wif my junior and we were laughin about how the hat flew off haha...
in contrast...
today the rooftop garden has undergone a facelift. pardon that word but the shadow of PW is too strong to shake off. anyways. its so hot today that it didnt actually look very appealing... hmm... its supposed to be pretty. i guess it is too, if only my thoughts were not so clouded today... my brain was in a mess... been thinking too much...

maybe i shouldnt think too much. or maybe i should say out everything that i've been cooping up for the past year. and beyond.
better go to sleep.

wait. later.

back singing was a nice feeling. Leong Yoon Pin's Sunset is next year SYF set piece. for both sec school and JCs. only diff is that Sec is accompanied while JC is a capella. i've got the accompanied one...
been scanning the score for the appearance of chun1 jiang1 hua1 yue4 ye4. supposed to be inside. im learning that piece now on the erhu that's why im so interested. oh wells. if any of u choir pple spot it tell me.

got a new cd today... Libera Free... of course sung by Libera. that's where the two poems came from. those two on top. there's also one sung to the tune of Jupiter by Holst. at least the hymn part. will show u some day.

ok now sleep.
come for the concert. i'm singing as part of Vocale. how often do u see me sing nowadays?

nitez...
-Chee

today i was quizzed:

How would u like a world that's lighted and bright the whole year round?

wow. that's great. i mean, i dun have to worry about walking into lamposts and such... i dun have to worry about who's in front of me and whether im going to bump into them... its great! does such a place exist? i want to go there!

then my mind ventures deeper..

How would i like it if midnight looks like noon?

gosh... how indeed!
moreover, the dark has its secrets... it's intriguing... it's attractive too... its better than having a glare in your eye all the time... not even curtains and shades can block out the light u know...

sometimes i would just sit in the dark, and listen. i havent had much chance to do that now. its the bestest when im at a beach or somewhere quiet, with no one around, or just one other quiet person who can listen wif me... its the best time to listen to what ur heart says, and listen deeply to what others say to u as well...

just a sidetrack: its not the same if u live in the dark 24/7. that means i will never know where i am. gosh.

hmm.. listening...
today my horoscope has this one line:
Keeping your thoughts bottled up inside will undermine your productivity.

But i don't talk a lot. cant u tell? but what does it mean, undermine your productivity? i hate to think that it means unaccomplished goals... because i have too many... but im not one to just blabber on and on. yes sometimes i seem talktative, but what i say is just superficial... hardly i discuss my problems u know...
well i'll see... we'll see...

love, love changes everything...
-Chee

today was pw oral presentation. at last i can say and shout and exclaim loudly,
IT'S OVER!!!

wow lets see...
question was about 'how the govt can deal wif the rising trend of CS' or something like that. standard newspaper report question haha.

okok.

its over.

yay.

ok start thinking about otehr things. like how to really spend this holiday meaningfully and keeping my mind occupied and not wondering to other things :(
hmm... i hate wondernig minds.. esp when things are not happy... hmm...
im going to miss alot of things.

oooh... wait...
ICE CREAM! oh gosh i reali loved ice cream today. cookies & cream with Dark Chocolate. totally sweet. all chocs u see! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
i need to pamper myself more.
wanted to go shopping today but stoooooooopid rain
fine will go someday.

who wans to come wif me?

-Chee

hahaaa! i dun have my sop voice liaoz... heh... now a true blue bass who can reach F above middle C. hehheh...
nihil sub sole novum...
EBC sounds nice today, that nelson ends practise so early la...
haha the things i rmb about that song...
how many sectionals we had last year, how much time we spent.
grrr... haha...
i still rmb all the details lehz... and my perfect pitch is still perfect *hints to someone who doubted me and asked for the piano*

okok...

pw on wedesday. Wow

oh people, whoever receives a mail from me wif attachment, either about 40K or 70K, its most probably virus. cus my address book is hacked into. i dunno wad to do about it also la... so dun open it. i wun send attachments unless i tell u first ok? or check everything wif me first. ya. and scan ur coms regularly.
take care.
of urself and ur com.

In trying to protect myself from the wind, i lost my soul...
-Chee

my clock now reads 7:20am...
what am i doing blogging so early on a holiday?
hmm...
let's see...
would i be freer this hol?
Today: PW meeting, EBC in the afternoon
Tues: I want to go EBC too... then got CIP meeting... and erhu lesson
Wed: PW!!!
Thurs: Harmony lesson...
Fri: Vocale
Sat: Piano lesson
Sun: Hmm... still freeed out.

sheez. i think im delirious... must be the lack of sleep...
Tata... im going back to sleep...
Oh ya mus call up abrsm office later too...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
-Chee