hhi...

wondered why i stopped reflecting?
its easier to do so writing everything down when u have limited internet time... haha... too lazy to type them...

anyways...
just finished my 2nd draft of exam fantasy. yay. but need help. my midi file, the tempo got problem. after the ritard it doesnt a tempo even though i put in 6 (yes 6) metronome markings there liaoz... haha... yar help thanks...

oh ya happy teachers day. in case i dont blog tmr.
and also a happy b'dae to Guan Wei. and stay happy!!!

=o)

-Chee

me, me, me...

wondered why i stopped reflecting? cus i wrote it all down. too lazy to type. haha.

its the last week of term!!! ok it starts tmr but still...
im going to reflect on the past um 8 months... ya seems a good time to start... used to look back all the time and now i dun normall get the time..
wellz...
this past 8 months.. has been full of ups and downs, highs and lows, fast and slow, bitter and sweet, loud and silent, hard and soft, hot and cold... certes its very eventful... more so than any other year... yet is that good or bad? hmm...

well... start of this year... or rather end of last year i was quite glad actually to get into RJ..yay... wow that seemed a long time ago... but at the same time i was apprehensive about trudging and busting my way into the unknown... part of me wanted to go and make frens, part of me wanted to concentrate on studies, part of me built a security wall blocking me out from the world. i guess the last part was stronger... i started out scared. not wanting to do anymore than be by myself. hey look it happens ok? im a naturally shy type. being put into a place wif someone i dunno, i won't open my mouth unless the other starts first... why? hm why not? that's me...

oh wells i wasnt prepared for wad was to happen next. but well i leave that for another day. for now.

wad the... im online now... my com clock says 5.25 am...
sheez...
one of those days where i don't sleep to do maths, pw, music...
gosh...
i cant keep this up...
help *gasp*

-Chee

haha.
i feel like a star today. or maybe its just because thousands of people know that i went for piano exam. anyway... im at a lost for words when people ask me how i did. here's a few reasons why.
Why don't i just say that, "hey i think i can pass that"? Cus im not that confident too... I don't want to be hurt when i finally get my results and what if i don't make it? And i don't want to brag. i know how bad it sounds when someone just keeps saying that things will be fine and u feel so bad cus u know u will nv reach a similar standard.

Simple... just say that i cant make it! But no. i know of people who don't make it. And i hate complaining. (wait let me clarify... i don't hate people who complain...) im not one who will go tell everyone i cant make it and such. it may or may not be true, but it does seem abit like an attention seeker. in my point of view that is. hey. look. i want to be popular too, but using this method makes people think im weak. that's how i view it. not that everyone who does that is weak but myself, i m that harsh on me.

oh wells... that doesnt leave me with much to say does it? ya... don't keep saying that 'im sure u can make it la...' to those who don't realli know my standard, don't keep saying that im good! u may hav heard impresssive pieces at piano ensem concert but that doesnt mean anything. hey, those pieces were actually simple. and i fake to make it impressive. ya...

and there are a lot of other people around who are better than me. what if u keep saying that im good, and then there's someone who is better who hapened to trip in the exam overhears it? its bad u know... wld make one wants to cry...

ya having said that...
was asked some time ago on a topic that comes wif growing up. relationships. some people are just very curious on what my private life consists...
CH, do u have a gf?
do u like anyone?
you and so-and-so ah, why always together ah?
is there something going on between u and her?

and the list goes on! hey look. not that i don't want to say anyhting, but as of now, all those above are no no no no. and its perfectly my business.
we are all human. we are social animals. we are emotional beings. this topic that people ask on is sensative... we all want to be loved and liked by others, and we want to share our love and like for others as well! by just asking all this questions, u r taking things too lightly. a serious matter actually may have put off some people about realising how they feel by some stupid idiots who have wagging tongues. sorrie for that 2 words but im not very pleased.
i've been hurt before. countless times actually. and ive been in a relationship before, something that some people have suspected and never proved. but talk of all these have proved to be something evil. the last time it ended something i cherished a lot. but...
what can i say...

haiz all ive said above is just an understatement. i have a lot more to say but perhaps not. not now anyways. enuff... before u people start talking again.

to those who want to know what's going on wif me now... i'm sorry i cant say more. if u r meant to know, u will know one day. speculations will lead u nowhere. it might even kill a very promising budding friendship that might even develop further... sheesh...

-Chee

wo... its over. my lrsm i mean.
wow wad an exam. i cant believe i was so calm and relaxed playing bach and beethoven. even though i had like 10 or more memory lapses... ha
then schumann i started panicking... and screwed it up. sounded like i jus prepared it 2 days ago when in fact i spent 2 months... ok also not very long but still...
debussy... wad a recovery... i hope my ears were working... it sounded nice to me... very sweet...

then sight reading... no key signature noctourne!!! but did i take it too fast?
then viva. wow nightmare.
they asked like close to 50 questions in 15 to 20 minutes... wad kind of chat/dialogue is that? more like an interrogation. and if i can answer all its fine... but i dunno like 10 of the questions? things that i shouldnt have forgotten... like who composed operas in baroque and how many PCs did beethoven have... grr... stupid nerves...

oh wells its over... now back to wad i need to do:
Mozart K465
Haydn essay

Physics waves

Chinese Opera

Maths integration

Cosmetic Surgery

Accompaniment stuff...

Maths numerical methods

Other personal commitments and stuff... ^+^

oh wells...
oh yes. a word of thanks to those who wished me "all the best" and "good luck" over the past week... hmm mind if i list u guys down?
Ms Tan, Mrs Seah, Mrs Chee, Ms Wong, Ms Wang (!), Joyce, Wendy, Guan Wei, Joseph, Noven, Francine, Candice, Grace, Denise
any i missed?

thanks a lot. it helped! =o)

ok shall start work now...

=o) milestone (o=
-Chee

3


2


1.


hm.

3


2


1.


hm.

3


2


1.


hm.

4 days... 3 2 1...
hmm sort of wasted a sunday again... haha...
nevermind... i'll cope.
there's 2 lectures in which i can do my work tmr haha.

-Chee

-wave-

5 days to lr... and in case i don't post tmr, 4 days. and the day after, 3 days. and tuesday, 2 days. and wednesday, 1 day.
haha.

i have a feeling that things this week won't be as bad as the last week. i don't mean to say things are good. but what i want to say is that i do not need to worry so much. not that i have no worries. aiya.... i'll have to explain these for a while.

firstly. why i dont say that things are good, or that i have no worries. well, as much as a positive person i am/try to be, i cant foresee anything extremely good happening to me this coming week. Look at how many things are pressurizing me:

1. My LRSM exam.
2. PW beckoning. behind a few deadlines already.
3. Piano ensemble concerts. a bit disheartened about them already.
4. My LRSM exam.
5. Western History Essay. Dunno how i can complete it. a bit lost on what to do, but not intending to do anything until wed/thurs.
6. Chinese opera thing.
7. All those Maths tutorials... and physics as well which i dun understand
8. My LRSM exam.
9. SPA
10. How im going to cope wif missing school on thursday.
11. Other personal problems.
12. My LRSM exam.

See. haha. and i can still laugh about it. wierd me.

But why not as bad as the last?
Well look. im more clear about where i stand today than the same time last week. at least i have got more definite answers this week. here's a preview.

1. first. i know what i have to do this week. be mentally prepared for my LRSM exam. as of now, i need to settle my nerves. almost broke down quite bad today infront of everyone.
2. The piano ensemble concert. At least i know this week will be better than the last. i know that LT 3 will be available. or at least i hope so. then i know guitar has confirmed things. then i know that monday, its not all just students running everything so things will be a bit better. well. hopefully.

that's a bit of it. not all. but at least i am a bit more organized today. i don't feel that pressured into anything.

ah at the same time, why i need not worry so much. there's not so much to worry. i m looking at things wif a more open mind now. i am prioritising, and i begin to not regret my actions. fun things i give up in place of less fun things i have made a point not to think back. concerts i don't go to, i tell myself, its for the better. i need the rest. (i also imagine im avoiding some pple there la. makes me feel better.) what else...

I'm feeling a bit more accomplished this week. Nothing good has happened to me, so i dunno why. maybe things happen subconsiously. they do happen that way u know... haha. let's see... i can see that other pple may be a bit more appreciative of what i do.
oh ya. sorry to those who had to bear wif my stoned face and temper on wednesday and thursday. i was quite affected by some personal matters as well as the concert matters. but now i know its no use doing that.

another change im seeing in myself. two months ago, or rather 1 month ago as well, i was rather troubled by some personal problems. rather intense ones. this may be because i look at things from a narrow point of view.

now, i can take things more easily. things happen for a reason, i know that now. and i realised that without any sorrow, one cant feel joyous. yupz. though the joyous part may not come so easily, and what i realli hope to have to fulfil my life now doesnt come, i can slowly wait. i have got the time.

ah talking about time. brings me to another point. some close friends may know about my worrying health condition. hm. i know that i cant predict what will happen to me. as a result, i have never planned further than a few weeks ahead of me (except in the case of exams where i need to register early.) well. now i don't say that i plan more ahead. i do start looking a bit further. makes me abit less tense as well. yes, i still worry if i can see the sunrise tomorrow, but now i do wish to see the sunrise 2 years from now, and how different that is. i still live in the present (no reason to change that) but apart from that i also prepare for a life in the future.

one fine day, i hope to walk to all my friends and say, 3 years down the road, lets meet up again. i don't do that now because i cant promise to be there 3 years from now. one day. i promise to get well.

now at the back of my mind, there are still thoughts that trouble me.well... i cant help it. i think a lot about what others think of me, and try to read their minds. but no longer do i try to affirm my suspicions. i found out i never get it right. haha. sorrie to those i scared by trying to ask if im right in how u think. i'll never do that again. i find that others read my mind better than i read theirs.

well. wave again. i shall stop here tonight.

ah i miss the good old days.

wave
-Chee

6 days to lr.

watched the first half of "let him have it" today... about this epileptic boy... then we were all discussing how lame it can get... this guy has a gun, shot a police officer, then keeps reloading and shoots at the sky (and by the way he tyco-ed and headshot another police officer). then the shot police officer said 'give me a gun give me a gun' then went to the door, bang bang twice into the sky, then went back in. hmm... u have to watch it to laugh at it.

helps one to relax too.

now mus start meditating. does it help? it does. !

relaxed... wierdly...
-Chee

7 days to LRSM...
im not stressed.

-Chee

gheez... piano ensem concert today again... wad a disaster... sometimes i do wonder why do i even work so hard, to prepare something that no one comes for, and no one even the performers are interested in, and gives priority to. maybe we shld jus close down piano ensem.

how much time is wasted la.

and how much more things i have to do. DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING BY MYSELF??? AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN WORK???
i wonder. if i just don't do things. will they eventually get done?

realli dont feel like going for piano ensem concerts anymore. shld just scrape them.

damn.

-Chee

hm.
cant believe i finished Sophie's World today. mus admit i didnt understand half of it. Micheal Crichton is much easier. oh wells. haven had a chance to reflect. but here's something...
What if we find out that we are but a figment of another's imagination, we are always being watched, we are under someone else's control? Will we try to break out of it? Will we try to escape and try to control our own self? Wait... Will we even know?
I think its safe to say that we dont know anything. Look. How nice and warm we are, in our own comfort zones. who ever wants to give that up? And go to eternity? Not me. because we never like to venture into the unknown. (hey look, im someone who doesnt like changes. )

I think that I can safely say that i havent even understood any single thing in that book. Once Hilde comes in im lost. Then after that i cannot say that i've read anything. everything just passes by in front of me. And will i ever make sense of that book? Is it even a story to start with? Why do i have so many "Why's" now in my brain? Why cant i make out any of the whys? hmm...

I believe that im not made to understand it at first glance. Not even at second reading. Nor third. No. Its not in me to understand it. And im not going to put in effort to. If im to understand it, i will. in good time. Something about fate or wad? Hm.

suppose i had taken more time? No... No... I shouldnt think like this. Well now that i have finished it, What more can i do than to let it go, and focus on other things in life?

Oh before i forget, Happy National Day!!!

Saw the NDP on TV jus now. Grand. As usual. Ooooh... one day i shall be inside that thing. Not as an audience. Not as an MP (hey im not a politics person haha). What i want is centre stage. Yay. (ok la... dreaming..., as usual) but who is to stop me from that? haha. One fine day. I shall be there. U MARK MY WORDS. ^+^

Oh wells. touched the piano today. My finger's gonna be ok! yay. Then heard my recording from the first time i went to the studio. Ouch. my schumann rushed like what. and so unclear. but surprisingly, thinking back to end of May. Then, i never thought i could play this thing from start to finish. Hey, then, i never even thought of playing this piece at all! Schumann was a romantic ! and im not! haha. Oh wells im hoping to pull this off a few more times. Counting down, 10 more days and i shall never touch this piece again.

OH MY GOSH. Dance Macabre!!! No matter what, im going to play the Liszt transcription for promos. yay. its gonna be great i tell you.
(well that's 11 min of my programme settled. the other 9? hmm...)

ah what was i doing today? i havent even finished one set of work! what do i have left:
Vectors assignment
Numerical Method tutorial
Physics ASsignment
Physics Tutorial
Studying for Physics LEcture test
GP Paper 2
Programme Notes
MEP essay
Harmony

WHATTT!!! SO MANY THINGS!!! AND I SPENT TODAY READING! haha...
well take it easy chee hang. no good fretting. start now!
Yar guess that's what i have to do! So tada. Lemme go do prog notes!
yar right. when did u ever be so good and listen to yourself? U r going to end up watching tv today. tonight. and u r going out tmr!
oh ya. tmr im going to my new house! yay. can see everything there. yay. 2 more months and im moving!!! cant wait. but im moving higher!!! oh no im scared of that haha. umhm.. yar i guess i'll jus watch tv now. haha. no la. for once i'll be more disciplined.

oh gosh. what s that... split personality? scary. but it helps in helping to scold myself to senses. by looking at myself from an outsider's point of view, im thrown out of my comfort zone. and i'll be able to catch myself when i fall, and pull myself back before i step into a pit. not that i encourage it for everyone. u might go bonkers. haha.

alright. shall stop rambling.

10 days to lr.
Happy National Day.

Going crazy...
-Chee

hm. i started on Sophie's World today. wow. cant carry on its too much for my simple mind to bear. look. we are not made to know everything in this world, and to understand philosophy as socrates and plato did. Well, i wonder if they were made to know too. but what i know is, in today's world, no one can afford to sit around and think as much as they do. dotz, no one realli thinks anymore.
But we still think! how much i think everyday... think about this, and that and this and that.
How naive can one get! does anyone realli think (pardon the pun) that thinking about maths and science problems is thinking? no! that's all deduction. like deducting how 1 + 1 = 2. and why waves are sinusoidal. wadeva that is. dotz. no one thinks anymore!
But we still use up time and energy to do all these! isnt it also a form of flexing our mind?
How true! yet immature thoughts. What we do here are jus simple exercises i believe. liken this to a soccer match for eg. u do warmups. for the game. i would say doing all these deducting is called the warmup, and the real game is the real thinking of philosophy and all that. but having said that, i myself am lost. how can that be a warmup?
So we should all stop whatever we are doing? and just think about where we come from, who we are, and where we go to?
Gosh the questions that i come up by myself. Am i having a split personality or what? but still. No we cant stop what we are doing. In today's world, our lives are defined by the constant rushing from task to task, and wondering about trivial things about exams and money and food and such. ok maybe we cant say truely that all those are trivial. but it depends on the individual as well... who is to say that exams are not right? Isnt it great if we can all stand up to the teacher and say, hey lets not have exams because its trivial. haha.
oh im rambling. i know that im not making any sense. so stupid of me to read philosophy when i myself dun want to understand it. hey look its all in the mind! if i wanted to, i can still understand everything. hey what's so difficult about philosophy? it can be so much simpler than all the maths that im doing now. but no. many of us out here are refusing it. blocking out. why? is it because we know that our brains are too small to understand (such as the pigeon's brain being too small to understand the things that we humans do?) ? or are we just flatly refusing, rejecting it?
is it possible that teachers can force us to read such philosophical writings, so that we can debate about it and such? i hate to think so, but it is possible. though i expect no one to realli understand. cus we never spend enough time on it. hm.
all these remind me of a book by Richard Bach that i read before: The Messiah that wasnt. It talks about how a messiah (read saviour) sees things differently, and we are only as much as our thoughts perceive us to be. we can walk through walls if we want to. we can heal if we want to. we can walk on water, fly in the air, etc etc if we want to. and what limits us? I. the I's, meaning ourselves. Meaning we are as much as we want to be. true. i believe that. or do i realli? because i still have not tried walking on water. i have not tried walking through walls. am i reali that skeptical as well? am i just like everyone else? ah.
Rarely am i hit so hard by a book that i start thinking and reflecting. and i realli havent thought so much these days. read my last post. im wondering a lot of things am i not? am i justified to do all that? am i justified to wonder about what may not happen? is it right for me to do so? do i have such a right? yes and no. I have the right to fantasise about my life, to live in my own little world. i have the right to let my mind wander. but no. i dun have to right to question what is unchangable. or unchangable as i think them to be. ar im not making sense. i jus cant put what i feel down into words.
11 days to my LR. my finger's just getting better. maybe shall not play the piano for 2 more days.
im getting scared. i feel detached from this world. i look at things so differently from others i feel. im like, dunno, so different. people may shun me because of taht. do they? i understand things differently from others. how so? um. i cant give any egs right now. but i feel im like a detached observer of this world. i keep seeing myself from outside myself. why? its troubling. becuase i end up regretting every other move that i make. like stepping on that stone. did it hurt my shoe? like clearing my throat when someone's speaking. is he/she going to think that i hate his/her speech? a lot of things that don't occur to a lot of people. but they trouble me. gosh.
i need to relax.

troubled
-Chee

sometimes i do wonder if its worth it losing sleep over things that may not need my worrying.
sometimes i do wonder if its the same if i disappear from everything, from this world.
sometimes i do wonder if i am that important.
sometimes i do wonder if im needed at all.
sometimes i do wonder if im that capable.
sometimes i do wonder if im realli that great.
sometimes i do wonder how different things will be if i jus slack and don't care.
sometimes i do wonder if things eventually turn out right because of me, or did it screw up because of me in the first place?

well look. over the past few days i've been losing sleep (or rather not getting any at all) doing project work things and piano ensemble things. project work. i contribute in my own ways, my other members contribute in their own ways. just happens that my own way means doing the report on my own during physics lec, staying up late to type minutes and everything? hey im upset that i cant do less and get the same results. why is it that i have to stay up late every week on the day of pw so that we can keep to schedules and datelines? this is so unfair.
and piano ensem. look. who is it that keeps chasing after everyone? who does anything & everything?and who is the one whos always trying hard to keep everything in place, everything properly scheduled? and what happens when i let go a bit? its not that i do not want to let others do the work. but i do wonder. what happens if people don keep to datelines? everyone else seems so slack...
and look. today my smile stayed on the whole day, even though im greatly disappointed in the turnout during the concert. and people who don't even come to perform. look, im damn pissed. what is it that didnt work out? and what did i work so hard for? just for other people to blame me for not testing out the laptop on monday? is it my fault that i decide to let others decide that for once? do i have to personally ensure everything? no im not arrowing anyone here, but im jus not pleased with the way things are going. jus look at how slack we all are, how unconcerned we all are. maybe it is not meant to be. look. i just havent been myself since june. maybe im finally crumbling. and i get the feeling that everyone is against me. that no one likes me, and that everyone else is more popular. maybe i don't even need to be around at all. i'll disappear and no one will notice. im sure that's the case.
ar even abrsm is against me. send me to wad yucky place for exam. and give yms only for dipAB exams. i hate that. hate that hate that hate that hate that hate that hate that! why is it me? me? me ? all me? wad's wrong? did i choose to be here in the first place? who's fault is it?
yar everyone's going to tell me to change my attitude, look at things more positively. hey not that i didnt try that. but its not going to work. i've been positive too long that im oblivious to too many things. and want me to change? not so easy. u rarely see me frown in front of people i know. damn it. the only way i can lash out is here. WHAT DOES THE WORLD HAVE AGAINST ME? i don't even want to be around anymore. maybe i should jus go away. maybe i shld just die.

-Chee