wave.
ok im getting tired of wave.  but's thats how i keep awake. haha.

argh i miss singing. wif all e EBchoir members... sang "a special moment" last night, though i forgot my part and was singing sop part. but still. i miss singing, esp wif good singers (hey im praising everyone of you!) Hmm saw a lot of people, but didnt have a chance to speak wif everyone for long. well, for those who do check here, :)

Gabriel: Chee!!! still so loud and still cheow. haha. gosh when are you ever going to start getting more than just talk about the alumni? hehe.
Adrian: Still so tall! gosh how come i never grow one. anyways smile more. =o)
Jian Hao: Vanesse! (um pardon my spelling) ur tenor voice still not bad ah. haha. and i thought u r much taller than me now liaoz. though u were taller but u shot up some more. ...
Ben Tan: Wow was that you i heard? the ultra loud, ultra low, ultra powerful bass. =o)
Mark: long time no see, no chat ya! how's u been?
Jasper: How's u? its been an even longer time since i last saw you!
Luke: You've slimmed down! congrats! hey u look quite cool in the aj blazer u know! (not that others are not cool but u loook better than in the grasshopper haha)
um did i miss anyone? im realli very very sorry if i did. not that i despise you or anything, but im just careless.
hm. to the juniors who were singing last nite...
Gerald, Gen Rong, Jun Yao, Jeremy Tiong (grow so tall liaoz...), Guo Hui: Hey work hard ah! u guys all will be involved in the SYF next year right? Bring us the next gold! and mus make it to finals horz. we almost made it last year, no thanks to sars. dots. okok shall not keep putting pressure on u guys.
um again if i missed anyone... ya...

all da best to the sunday perf! im very sorry i wun be able to make it cus i've got things on. (i wun disclose wad.) but bring back lotsa pictures and post on the msn groups. ya. dun keep that place empty and dead. now a bit more lively. hehheh.

to everyone, and others who were there: Lip Yong, Ding Jie, Daniel Thong, Gedeon, Gerald Poh, and others. Miss everyone of you. mus meet up horz.

oh wells mus go back to doing work.

Gong Jiao! yay.

-Chee

wave.

mebbe not wave anymore. not very fun. quite tiring too. haha. maybe hiiiii will do better? ha.

 hm received an email from abrsm about some online abrsm system. says "go online and click on retrieve password" but online where? haha.

ouch hurting all over. haha im not the type who moves a lot. if given the choice i wld skip pe. haha. speaking of pe, electives starting soon! if i get rock-climbing it'll be fun. but actually ping pong or ballroom dancing wld be more fun for me. hmm wun know until i do it. well they are within my top 5 choices. (but actually forgot most too...)

oh wells. dun feel lik rambling on now.

-Chee

hhi

"what is a wave?"
-wave

"what is the superposition of wave?"
-wave + wave

haha.

waves.

-Chee

oh my gosh.
spent so much time sleeping again. why is it that i always sleep so well during weekends and never seem to sleep at all during weekdays? and i always sleep better during lectures and on the trips to and from home. gosh. mebbe im turning noctournal, now that my eyes are better at night. haha. never thought i'd be like that. and now... i have so much to do... maths, maths, physics, harmony, compo, gp reading, practise piano, practise erhu, practise piano, practise piano, write programme notes, practise piano, read up on my composers, practise piano...

haha.

oh wells. must talk less. have been very jumpy today and screaming at my family the whole day. mus now remember to be more patient and listen and look more. in any ways, we are born wif 2 eyes and 2 ears, but only 1 mouth.

and damn lots of skin. to touch others. not physically touch la, but to spiritually be wif them and touch their hearts. why im using skin is that i've run out of better terms. haha.

smile everyone.

listening and looking, and touching,
-Chee

hhi

hmm to 'someone' that's all i have to say to you:
i'm strong. u cant get anything out of  me this way. if u plan to break me down, u're going to have to try harder. im going to ignore you.

oh wells thats that.

oh gosh. nowadays im so busy. gosh. so much to do so little time. i wonder how other people cope. or rather they dun sleep as much as me. which is not true cus ive jus went thru 2 days without sleep the last 2 weeks! haha. maybe im just getting anxious about my exam which im not ready about. should have spent time practising today but i went to sleep the whole afternoon. gosh. haha.

well i still think of sleeping. but mus not liaoz.

zzzzzz
-Chee

hhi

i must remember today. 23 july.
today is the first time since june i actually was fine. i mean, i was truly happy and had nothing to bother me about. i may still be under stress and the pressure to do well for so many things, but im finally able to control my feelings. keep them under check. finally. after so much thought and talk about not letting my emotions get in the way of doing things, and focus on wad is important, i find that im finally able to put my words into action. maybe not all of it but still...
im finally able to leave everything behind. n im finally able to see everything in a clear light. everything is falling into place, everything is so logical now. im no longer angry nor upset at anything nor anyone. it happens that everything has a logical explanation, and it just takes time to see it. and now i'll no longer feel depressed and stupid for all i have done. im glad i did what i did. (oh i feel im repeating myself here. haha)
i felt as though i revisited my life. over the past half a year, then another year more. i suddenly see why things happen. things happen for a reason, and most of the time the reason is to help u mature. yupz. im finally able to smile a real smile today, and joke wif everyone sincerly and laugh a hearty laugh today. im glad.
and im glad for everyone else.
and everyone else's paths whom im going to cross, i hope to brighten up their days when i see them. and lighten everyone's load (tho my shoulder hurts too. haha) and also give everyone a reason to smile and laugh, and forget all their worries.
i feel like a kid all over again, discovering my happiness. and its just like 2 years back when i got the fated results. and i can say its for the good.
gosh. smile everyone.
and i promise, everyone who meets me, will get nothing less then a sincere bright smile, and a cheery (or lunatic) hello wave.

=o)

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!
-Chee

hhi...

gosh im crumbling under stress... im not afraid to say it, but i cried myself to sleep this afternoon... there were so many things that i had to do yet i could not do... i feel as though i cannot live up to the expectations of others...
i find that i like to put up a false front. in front of everyone else, i never show anything less than a smiling face (well most of the time). when i'm tired i'm jumpy. like today. i didn't sleep at all last night. was doing project work stuff. then on the way to school i sort of napped a while when standing in the train. then went to school everytning was like clockwork that's all. everything snapped into place when i was there and there was nothing much i had to do. but i feel pressurized to show more. im underperforming. i realised that when i was checking my marks in class. a peek at others were like AABC, ABBC etc... (sorry to those who were scoring lesser than me, but i naturally want to do much better.) suddenly my ABCD seems so fake, so low. i know i could have done much better, despite what everyone else says. gosh im such a.... argh cant find a word for it.
only achievement today... i passed my napfa at last. yay. pushed myself for 2.4 and made it in 13:03... i know its not good but at least i passed. im glad. at least i think i am.
my exam is screwed. my schumann is in chaos. my beethoven is in a pile of notes. my programme notes are somewhere there. but not there yet. argh. gosh how can i manage... i dun have the strength to carry on...
waaaaaaaa...

crying... traumatised... emotionally unstable...
-Chee

ok im going to ignore the stalker. if i can. dots. if it realli is alroy, im going to kill him during physics lec on thursday. hng.
 
ah my exam is on 19 aug! they gave me 1 month minus 1 day of warning la! and the same place as last year. i bet no one else has ever heard of "my inspiration music school" in "heartland mall"... dots... i hate that piano. the hammers are too light... gravity works too much on them that if i dun press hard enuff there's no sound. thanks to GMm/r ... or something liddat...
 
gheez does anyone have Rameau's Les Fetes de Polymnie ? desperately looking for it.
 
ah had a bad dream last nite. woke up all terrified... but it seems so real. wait. it is real. gosh what's happening... haha... im dreaming a lot more now. and i just scared myself in the mirror just now, now i dun dare to look in the mirror. my looks are terryfying especially when i stare. gosh. if u guys had been scared by my looks i hereby apologise...
 
hey soemone, better come clean before alroy gets it. muahahaha.
 
dreaming and scaring myself...
-Chee

school's starting tmr again... now i have another reason to dread... i have a feeling 'someone' is from school... and followed me from last year... either that or he/she is a stalker... or it... gosh... can i not go tmr...
 
traumatised
-Chee

hi blog
ya i know i screwed the links... someday when i hav the time i'll redo them again... gosh and who's 'someone'? its hate to know someone tagging and i dunno who... dun keep me in suspense please? and anyone who knows who 'someone' is please tell me too... i may jus die of suspense...
 
ar im living in denial... im now currently doing a lot a lot of things so that i can stay distracted... and then i'll hav no time to live in denial.. haha... will try to fix my smile on my face and keep laughing... as the song goes,
 
laughter is contagious
and its advantageous
yahaha hahaha
hehehe hehehe
hihihi hihihi
hohoho hohoho
huhuhu huhuhu
yohoho hohoho etcetc
 
so here goes: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha
 
laughing hysterically and madly and abnormally,
-Chee

hhi blog

hmm... must say that i learnt something(s) very important, thanks to what happened over the past 2 months. which maybe only 4 people will know but still...
for now, im a student. means i study. and nothing else. no need to worry about other things like work, and even less so affairs of the heart. those can wait. for now, my priority is my studies, and scoring my A's. i was too slack in the past half a year, which led to my heart wandering away, and my mind concentrating on things that are not that important. i was jolted awake (sort of) by what happened, and even though i was quite devastated for some time, i finally see what was the point of that experience. i can say it was a blessing in disguise. ok it will take some time b4 i know how blessed is this blessing, cus things happen too fast and too soon. but i believe its for the better. hey at least i walked out of it alive. haha.
i will alwaes remember them.
its an enriching experience... one that has left me sad, and then happy... i've learnt, and grown up as well... matured i would say.
so now. im not going to let my heart lead my brain. and im not going to deal wif things that are not important to a normal, average 17-year-old boy who is still studying. i've been rudely awakened, and i'll never dream again... even though my fantasies are sweet. i'll always rmb them.

a big thank you. =o)

finally thinking straight...
-Chee

hhi blog...
heyz maybe i shld give u a name? any suggestions? oh ya u wun reply one... heez... means its me thinking only...
heez... i jus thought of a motif today... maybe use it for my first compo... 5-note... simple rhythm, not complicated at all...
ahz, talk about compo... reminds me of school... the weekend's over... a weekend is the only time i hav that i can imagine my life is fine and happy... which in fact is not... im envious of everyone else who can take things so easily. i look like i can, wif my smile all the time, but in actual fact i know im stressed out. i may jus konk out anytime... which isnt a good thing considering my health... after watching the first part of gattaca... im thinking is my life manufactured too? it does seem quite fake to me... or too real... im experiencing too many things all at once... makes my life complete, but fake? hmmm...
im beginning to dread going to school. there isnt much point in going any more. its going to be the same routine day in, day out, nothing new, nothing interesting. i hate this. and school, interacting wif everyone makes my life so real, which i dun like. i dun like the reality. its cruel. nothing goes well for me, it seems. its only me. always. why? why? why?
sometimes i wish i werent around. i want to just be a silent observer... it makes me happy to see everyone happy, without me screwing up everyone's life, and everyone not seeming to notice. i feel like an outsider wherever i go. i never belong anywhere... i can just die and no one will notice at all... grrr... so far no one has proven me wrong yet. its not a good feeling...
sometimes i just wish i was alone, where i can let my thoughts wonder to a faraway place, where everyone loves me, and i belong there. but is there such a place in reality? i want to find such a place, but...
gosh... that was long... and i havent said everything i want to...
but i dun hav time anymore... im going to hav to make the most of my time if im going to live this life fruitfully... seeing that i wun live as long as anyone i know... its not nice knowing u are unhealthy, wif a fatal illness... and there's no cure, and yet doctors fuss over u all the time..
ah blog... i'll give u a name soon...

on medication... that doesnt help...
-Chee

hhi blog...

changed ur layout again... this time managed to add a few more friends' blog in... heez... dunno if it still comes out by the time i write this..

hey blog... i got ABCD and another hopeful B... haha... i think its some kind of fantasy im living in... i hav a very vivid imagination... i keep thinking of things that cant be and hope they can be... sometimes i think writing here is just like talking to a good friend... but i realised i only typed here after i lost a good friend... so u r like a backup to me ? haha...

will be back soon... feeling kinda creepy today...

-Chee

life's challenges do not aim to paralyse you, they aim to push u on. i believe that now.
i am in denial... i cant believe it... i hav always thought of myself as a positive and upgoing person. but now im hit wif another shocker today. haiz.
i wrote quite a few things down today. personal stuff... dunno if i really want to type it here... but... arh i dunno... im lost and confused... beginning to hate things all around me. don't realli think i felt happy about things since so long ago. real happiness doesnt come easy, i know that now. i... i... just want to live a peaceful life now. simple pleasures, not in search of anything more. gosh i realli need help... im wallowing in self-despair...
not looking forward to anything, except having a good sleep. i havent slept in 2 days... been counting the seconds all the way til morning... gosh... i feel so disgusted of myself...
im imagining things... dreaming up things that cannot be... that's the fantasy i live in. i want to be in a dream. foreva, where everything goes according to what i want and im such a good guy, such a popular guy. i am a good guy i believe. sometimes i wonder if im too good... heez...
got back 4/5 of my common tests liaoz... ABCD... hope the last one's not E... XXOO#@%!#%&#(* ...

dreaming as usual... in a fantasy
-Chee

had a long thought today...
i've done so many things in my life, and i cant say i made the right decision or took the right path each time. now that i carefully think through everything, i find that i hav many faults, and then i make a lot of wrong choices, and did a lot of things that i probably should not have done. i may have regretted everyone of them, but i think there's no use jus crying over them. im going to correct myself from now on.

heez this is how my life has been so far... i wun be too specific cus... well no special reason... i remember all the way back to primary school.. in fact... primary 1...
im haughty, and stuck up. full stop.
P2, still stuck up brat. full stop.
p3, was one of the naughtiest in class i think... was very talkative. i rmb my teacher called my fren's mother and complained about the two of us talking, and she called my mom, n i was caned... haha
p4, i rmb cheating during exam. was caught, but in the end lied my way out of it. partly becus im the top student in class and there's realli nothing they want to fault me on.
p5, i always lied to go to school earli, jus becus i dun wan to be at home. and i would steal money and spend it jus to be popular...
p6, i stole things in school. *woops* and the teachers stil dunno.
Sec1, i was quite a stuck up brat as well... didnt realli hav any frens in school... picked up soccer jus to be popular, but ended up as goalie to be shot at.
sec2, did somethings i shouldnt have. and even though i was a bit better off in my choir, i sort of faked my sop voice since the start of the year... and i was a terrible sl. kept screaming at my section... bleahx
sec3, made it to trip science. guess i felt ok about it... then i sort of didnt like my class (hey i dun like a lot of pple... haha) and always was for choir choir choir... faked sang thru a whole concert that year... woops was evil right? then end of year there was 2 camps... organised one of them... but now looking back, i was so haughty... and i remember scolding vulgarities a lot...
sec4, found out the truth about my health... i actually became more happy... i was smiling a lot more, and took things a lot more easier. um how to put it, i was involved in something i should hav been. was detrimental to everyone involved. but even though its over now,i lost a good fren, and i still cant get over it... and i became hardworking... and i actually bonded wif my class... wow... and i actually was not at all boastful about my achievements that year... even tho im lik top for maths and music...
J1... this year. i found out ive made a lot more mistakes than other hav made for a lifetime in jus this half a year. ok maybe not mistakes, but just doubtful decisions... firstly was coming to rj. truthfully speaking, i probably would hav enjoyed myself more at hc, nj, aj or even yj. but now that im here im determined to be my best. glad to hav the meppies arnd!
2ndly... i actually joined choir again. hav to say my confidence in singing was actually quite busted aft last year... but i got in, i was thinking, maybe toh is not such a bad guy. truth is, he's not, but i cant make myself belong. i ran for council to get an excuse to quit choir. im quite sure im wrong, but im still determined that the whole choir hates me. oh ya, there's too many soloists there and im like dun lik it.. sorrie...
3rdly.. running for council. even if i got in i would hav died anyway. should hav known my limits. gr... but i'd say campaigning was one of the best times i've had... but maybe i should hav stayed in chorale...
4thly.. quitting choir... but i cant turn back now
5thly, the numerous concerts ive been to...
6thly, helping to set up piano ensem, and having a too high vision of it. but im sure we can be good.
7thly, the uk trip. well firstly is going for it in the first place, missed a lot of things in singapore. next is the things that happen there. bbut overall i can say the trip's fine... though i'd probably be better off w/o it...
8thly, the common tests. im quite sure im screwed.
9thly, being a kaypo and taking on too many stuff i cant do.
10thly, being insensitive and stupid.
11thly... matters of the heart. fullstop.

look jus in this half a year ... wow... and i can say ive quite a lot of enemies. heez...

mus change. i hav 1.5 years left. mus make the best of it. or i'll never survive.

wish me luck.

walking in a wonderland...
-Chee

Some quotes:

Put ur face to the sun, so that the shadow falls behind...
If you love life, move on and keep ur problems behind you.

Happy Youth Day.

-Chee

its over... whew...

-Chee

1 day, 1 paper. about 13.5 hours away from freedom-- sorry to the chinese pple who end at 1230, and the lit pple who end even later... hmm...

dream dream dream...
-Chee